A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
