Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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