Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
