I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
