I wish I could punch you in the face.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
