Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
