The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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