my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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