I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
