I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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