Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
so let's talk penis.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
