so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
