Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
