nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
