You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
did you just send me my own nude
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
