we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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