Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
