Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
