And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
