its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
