Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
