Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
