i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
