im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
