I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
