yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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