Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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