this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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