I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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