Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
