3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
