I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
COCAINE IS GR8
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
