If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
