My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
