she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
