I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
