the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
