Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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