just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
