after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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