Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
