If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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