Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
