Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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