You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
