my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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