if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
