well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
