i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
