You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Watching her eat just hurts me
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
