i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Text me some of your sweat
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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