we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
