the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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